Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize