oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
