I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize