She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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