masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
