The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
