you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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