Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
