I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
