If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
