Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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