I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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