is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
