I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
