how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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