If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
whose parrot is this?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize