The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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