Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
