I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
