wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
