I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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