Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
