I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
