I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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