Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
