I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
