Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
