They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
