Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
