I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
