who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
