Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Blood and glitter go together right?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
