Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
