When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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