After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
