Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
