If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
