This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
nutella sex= disaster
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
