is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is Oprah even human
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
