You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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