He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Your penis caused this!
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