Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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