what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
