Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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