I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
