I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize