She's JV to your varsity
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize