You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
