Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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