Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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