Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I wish there were birth control emojis
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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