I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
