ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
