she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
