you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize