All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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