I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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