I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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