It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
