Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
