So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
