my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize