I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
